I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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