Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
