No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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