You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
