We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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