someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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