see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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