Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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