apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
