Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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