Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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