Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
