my mouth tastes like poor choices
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
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You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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