Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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