This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
