It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
