There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
