i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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