but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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