I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
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I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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