Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
