He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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