it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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