I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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