You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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