I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
