So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
