Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
whose ass print is on the piano?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
