Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
