just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
