Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
