Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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