So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
