clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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