waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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