i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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