Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
