im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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