Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
