why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
