last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
