I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
