it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
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Why is your signature on my underwear?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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