You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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