never play flip cup with pint glasses
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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