He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
