We're like a lot better than the average bears
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
