Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
