When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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