Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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