I wanna passion pit in your ass
operation harelip BJ is a go
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
