is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
