Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My liver just broke up with me...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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