The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
