Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
