This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
