Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
